Month: March 2017
I love you, and
I’m not sorry for that.
I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt,
I’m sorry that I broke your trust,
I’m sorry that my promises were null,
I’m sorry for all those tears that rolled down your warm dimpled cheeks,
I’m sorry that you’re lonely in amidst a crowded room,
I’m sorry that you had to walk this road alone,
I’m sorry that death set us apart,
I know that you’ll never be mine,
I know that we’ll never be together,
and this time I was the victim of the fate,
I’m sorry that this distance cannot be lessened,
I’m sorry for everything that I should be sorry for. But
I was born to love you, and you alone,
in this world, and the world hereafter; and
I’m not sorry
that I fall in love with you..
Sometimes I feel like a boy who is the lone survivor of a wrecked shop, drifting in a life-boat with nothing to survive other than his own thoughts. All the wrecked ship just drowned, like the sea swallowed the whole ship into its deep mouth, and there’s not a single clue of it left on the sea.
I’m on a rudderless life-boat. I have no direction of home. I have nothing to hold on to. I can see only blue veil of death surrounding me as far as my eyes reflect. But in all the death surrounding me, I have hope. I have so much of it that I’m burning so brightly with this hope that no destruction could extinguish this flame of hope burning inside me.
I travelled day and night, believing that these tides will lead me somewhere, somewhere unknown but somewhere safe, somewhere away from this version of reality, far away from this earth, the world which is always noisy with all the suffering of this world, all this consistent pain torturing each other from materialistic and impermanent possession of this world. These tides will take me far away from any version of reality. This reality used to be like a drop of water consistently falling on the same point on my forehead, from the high ceiling always bringing me back to the reality, never drifting me back to my own world.
Now these tides are my guide to a utopian world. I found a compass on the boat but even before I could look at it and study my way to home, I threw it away. I was tired of being on the road, long empty road, lonely as a sparrow on the road, always finding something, when all along the road, it was with me all this time.
First time in my life, I’ve found complete happiness that has brought me to peace. The kind of peace you’ll find on the face of a homeless man sleeping on the side of the road. This place is so serene. It’s like a stroll in my own world, my own garden, every plant planted with my own hands, watered them with my sweat, that gave the sweet smell of hard work, surrounded with ancient trees with autumn leaves that will never fall from the branches and will transform into new leaves and the shadow of these fruitful trees follows me everywhere, keeping me alive.
But I believe with all my heart that in the end, when our reasoning and efforts cease to exist, we will all have to surrender and trust, without any doubt. Just like I left my fate to these tides, submitting and trusting in the same hand, that has written each of our destiny, that has created everything on the earth and sky and everything that exists in between, that same hand that guides us all.
Why do we always end up,
the same road,
which we knew has a dead end?
Why do we make promises,
to each other over and over,
which we knew are empty?
Why do we still talk to each other,
even after all this time,
when we don’t want to?
Why do we remind each other,
of our pasts,
when those memories don’t mean anymore?
Why don’t we just stop seeing each other, altogether,
and never talk to each other again?
Why don’t we just wake up,
thinking all of it was just a dream?
Why is it so hard to forget each other,
when everything between us was just an illusion?
Why does your heart still beat for me,
while in the arms of my friend,
under the shadow of that lamppost,
where I fell in love with you.
You thought nobody saw it,
but I saw it,
I saw everything.
I saw myself walking home,
empty tears in hand,
losing two closest people that night,
The night knows it,
You know that too
What do you expect from me?
What do you want from me?
Do you want me to accept you again?
Do you want me to forget all those sleepless nights?
Do you want me to open all those scars you gave me?
Do you want me to act like nothing happened?
Like you never broke my heart?
Like you never shattered my trust?
Like you never bade me goodbye?
The love between us has long been faded
The memories between us has long been forgotten
The thirst for your love has long been banished.
So here we are again,
lying beside each other,
You dreaming soundly,
thinking the same thing,
Are we there again?