poems

When I fall asleep

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When I fall asleep,
I dream of you.
I dream of your face,
how it shines when light falls on it.
I dream of your eyes,
how they play with my words.
I dream of your cheeks,
how the eyelash dimples on it.
I dream of your lips,
as my fingers wipes the wetness from them,
how I drag your body against me,
how I hold you from your waist,
how you bite the corner of your lower lip,
how you invite me to kiss those lips,
how thirsty you seem, how I play with you,
how I tempt your anticipation,
how you die for that moment,
When I finally lean in,
to kiss those desperate lips.
Maybe when I fall asleep,
I don’t really sleep…

Rusted Bench

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This brown rusted bench
Reminds me of you.
How we sat together
Hands in hands
Near the lake shore of Ravi
Our cold breaths colliding with our passion
In the month of hot April
Looking over the horizon.
But as I stole my glance from it
And looked into your heavenly eyes
I realized that I was born to look in them.
In those eyes
I saw someone
Staring back at me
Breathing into infinity
For in that second I found myself
For in that single second
I traveled into myself
For in that moment
I was completely Free

Home

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There’s a place far from here
Bigger than the flying sky
Farther than the whispering stars
A long road leads to that lonely place
Passing through the desert
Wading through the forest
Crossing the highest mountains
Alongside a vast grey river
Under the shadows of rusted leaves
There’s a place where I don’t feel alone
It’s a place where I don’t feel lost
A place built of dreams
A place where I feel… Home
And I will be waiting for you
Waiting for you to come Home. . .

 

I’m glad you didn’t love me

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I never loved someone as selflessly
No one told me how to love
Movies taught me a shade of it
A fake shade of it though
They showed me that someone who loves with all their heart
Always finds the one they love
But they never showed me how to stand up
When I had badly fallen in love with the person that doesn’t love me back
Why didn’t they tell you what to do when the only person you have ever loved in your love and the only person you think you’ll ever love doesn’t love you back
So, thank you so much for teaching me something that no movie could ever teach me

I knew that you were the desire of many
I could see in their eyes
I tried to protect you from their filthy disgust
But you were the want of only one
Such a want with which I couldn’t survive
I was hungry for love
Not just any love
But for your love
My love for you was priceless
A love no one has ever seen
I wrote poems after poem on your exquisite beauty which only I could see
Which was visible only to me
Hoping that you’d realize my true love for you
I tried to look you, admire you, turn you into words in every form
I bled when you didn’t even cast a look
Even though you knew someone loved you the most

So when you didn’t love me in spite of me loving you madly
I thought there was something wrong with me, I really did
I tried to beat myself up over it
To find out what was wrong with me
I still remember those hollow nights
With air full of haunting thoughts
And suicidal urges

There was nothing wrong with me. I realized
Because It wasn’t you that I loved
It was me
It was me all along
That I loved
When I was with you
I missed myself more than you
I showed myself that part of me that I never knew existed
And all along I thought it was you
A part that I loved the most.
It wasn’t me that wasn’t worthy of your love
It was you.

I will love again
I will find someone again
Someone might be just like you
I will fall deeper in love again
I thought I wouldn’t survive without your love
But I did survive
I’m still alive
I’m still breathing
I’m glad you didn’t love me

Time

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I didn’t know what I was looking for until
You walked into the room of my heart
And stole it from the core.
You are always there in the back of my mind
You are the subject of my every thought.
I want to drink the wine of your love
The heaven of your eyes
Your carefree laugh whispers to me in my lonely nights
Those dimples makes me forgets all the sorrows
Your chaste lips casts a spell on my hazy lips
Your mere look eases me out of this ecstasy.
Now you’re all I want
You are my only wish
You are my only desire
I whisper your name in my every breath
In my every dream

There’s nothing I’d do than
To hold you in my arms
Look in your hazy eyes
Feel your warm breath on my neck
Kiss your parted lips, and
Forget everything about the world
Of reality and dreams
And a thousand times over
Fall in love with you
All over again

Dozakh

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So, you’ve come again to scorn me
Haphazardly coloring with all the disgusted life
And depressing rainbow
Havoc black stallion tears filling the rainbow
Rising from the ground
Overwhelming the rainbow bit by bit, drop by drop
Zealously celebrating my birthday

The Last Breath

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2017-03-11 10.20.26
Last night after you left, Cigarette burned till the last breath

 

As fog fell over the Kashmir valley on that late night, she couldn’t help but notice that there was something more, something that is hiding behind the greyish fog. It was yet another night when she woke up with a nervous attack, her body sweating, her heart beating louder than the silence of the moonless night. Wolf howling in the forest near her house on the mouth of the fifth mountain of Shaarda, her hometown.

Her side table digital clock showed 3:02 am. There’s something strange with this time, she thought. She knew it was a curse that’s been following her ever since she has indulged herself in the Parkinson’s family murder case. The case was beyond the point to be solved. Nobody knew how a single child of eleven years, murdered the whole family and then himself. The thought of little William holding an axe in his left-hand haunts her. This case has suck all the marrow of happiness out of her life.

She got out of the bed and leafed through her side drawer searching for the only thing that has been her companion for this time of the night, that knows everything about this case, and her life, too. Her companion is ever so fluent in silence. She found her companion and moved to the window of her 1 room apartment.

The room was dark, she didn’t even bother turning on the light. She actually felt religious with all the lights off. She started liking all the demonic depressed vibe around her room. It makes her feel more at ease. But with the bright room, the demons always rush out of the room through the only window of her apartment. She bumped into the table and spilled her coffee but she walked all over it without wiping the drops of river from the carpet.

She saw her reflection scorning her through the window as she opened it. The smell of her room with the fog outside mixed up and gave her chills down the spine. Whenever she looked out of her window, she always got lost somewhere in those little houses along the Neelum river. She pulled out her companion of silence and lit it up. Watching the whole valley wake up gives her one of the greatest pleasures. How fast it goes into the dust just like the smoke of her cigarette.

She never knew what a single cigarette was capable of after she tried it. She always assumed a peculiar relation of a cigarette and her thoughts. As soon as she lit it up, she entered into another world of her thoughts, that she never knew existed, or they only exist when she light a cigarette and as soon as it becomes dust so does her world of thoughts. As she watched the smoke rising from her cigarette and after a moment becoming a part of the past, she wondered man is not that different form this cigarette which she’s holding in her hand, entwined within her fingers. Cigarette, after fulfilling its purpose has the same fate as man.

She can never take her eyes off the cigarette exhaling a golden greyish cloudy smoke. As sometime you see mystic clouds surrounding the sun and it creates a dome of dreamy light all over the earth. What she really saw in the smoke were words, beauty, poetry, love and life, the life breathing smoke. She put the death tight against her dry lips, knowing it won’t last long. The smoke rose in spiral layers, diffusing into the infinity. She could forget everything if she could just sleep. Everyone slept but her.

As she sucked hard, the heart-beat start to rise, she saw ecstatic layers of smoke, ever so excited for reuniting with their creator and finally leaving these rusted fingers, in the cage of her hands, just using it for pleasure and forgetfulness. As it breath its last, she wondered when it will be back to her lips, to torture her once again. It fell to the dusty ground and buried deep into its darkness. It had the answer of its death. And as she fell she realized, that is all a man’s worth; the dustless, filthy, lifeless smoke.