Suicide note


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“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Please wake up. Mommy! My tummy hurts. I am thirsty. My tummy is hurting.”
She has been asleep for quite a long time now. First, she was playing with a rope that was looped over a fan and around her neck. I tried to do the same thing with my school shoe laces but I wasn’t long enough to pass it over the fan plus my laces were short too. I tied both my shoe laces with double cord just like my father taught me. My mommy told me this story about my shoe laces, because I don’t remember my father that much. Everything I know about my father is from my mommy. I never met my father, only saw his wedding picture with mommy, dressed in black suit, a broad smile on his face, looking very happy. My mommy says that my eyes look just like him. I don’t know where he is during the day but at night, when mommy sends me at the roof to sleep all alone, she says that the shining star in the sky is my father, and he keeps looking at us from far above. Sometimes he plays with me too and mommy believes that, until I fall asleep on my roof, and in the morning, he wouldn’t be there. Maybe he goes off to work, I always ask my mommy that how come she goes to work at night and returns during the early hours of the day, just before my school bus passes by our house, but she always says that she works very hard and long hours, that’s how grownups live.
I tried to bring her to the ground by stretching her leg but she didn’t let go of the rope even though both of her hands were holding the rope from under her chin as though she was taking off her bride veil as I saw in her wedding video. I saw my father too. He was very bright. Whenever I tried to bring mommy back, she kept spinning in circle. I got bored when she didn’t respond to me, and went to the kitchen for the twentieth time, but couldn’t find anything to eat. I heard a loud bang from my mommy room and I thought she might’ve come down, she might be tired from playing so long. I tried to bring her a glass of fresh water but my hand couldn’t reach the tap of the kitchen. So, I went into my room’s toilet and filled the cup with water in which I pee, only when mommy’s holding me from under my arm pit.
She was lying on the floor on her back with something red and sticky flowing out of her head. I felt afraid and called her from a distance but she didn’t move. I walked a few steps forward and touched her head, it was cold. I went into my room and covered her with my favorite blanket. It was very small for her, it barely covered her legs. So, I brought out all of my seven blankets to cover her completely, and a pillow under her head too. She was really making such a mess on the floor. Before she woke up and blame me for all this mess, I went into the kitchen and brought a dish cleaning sponge to wipe her forehead, the red water was still coming out. I washed the sponge from the white toilet of my room and then started soaking all the mess in it until the water in the white toilet was all red. My blue sweater also turned red. I cursed myself for not taking care of it. Cleaning in and out, I felt really tired, and I hadn’t eaten anything for so long, I laid down on the sticky rug beside her. Mommy is still asleep. She never slept for so long. I have two toy cars. They race by the floor where Mommy is sleeping. I felt tired and fell asleep alongside her.
It was dark outside when I woke up. I felt happy. I ran to the window and called out my father to come and wake mommy up. I couldn’t find him. The purplish red sky was throwing blue lights again and again, until I got bored of waiting, and went to my dressing table. I brought my favorite brush with which I used to brush my unicorn’s long white hair. I started brushing mommy’s hair because she likes her hair smooth and clean. It was very difficult for me to steadily comb her hair because the brush kept sticking in the hair, I guess it’s because of that red hair oil. I made a mental note to tell her not to use this hair oil, it isn’t healthy for her beautiful long black hair. I think Mommy is sick. She smells funny. I thought this hair oil had that smell but it was very difficult for me to sit near her. I thought she didn’t have the bath today morning. I don’t know why she always persists me on bathing daily when she herself doesn’t do it.
The door crashes open. I scream in terror. Fuck. What the fuck happened here? Oh, the crazy fucked up bitch. Get out of my way, you little shit. Fuck. He kicks me hard on my belly, I crash my head on the bedside table. My head hurts so bad. He calls somebody from his cell phone and went out. He locks the door. I always saw that man standing on the road in front of my house. Who was he? And how did he have a key to our house? Only mommy and one uncle had a key to our house. He only came to our house with his friends to meet mommy at night. Sometimes my mommy would go to work with him at night, leaving me with a nanny who always took good care of me, fed me, and always sat covering her head, on a peculiar mat and hundreds of small beads embroidered in a thread to make it a loop holding in her hand, whilst I sat on the couch and watched television.
     Mommy has so many friends. Most of the night he came with different friends to our house. My mommy always sent me to the roof to talk to my father and tell him how my day at school went. That’s how I saw that man every night from the roof. I thought he was our neighbor. I never got to talk to the uncle and his friend. But whenever they left the house late at night, the house always smelled of something rotting, and there would be smoke everywhere in the morning when I’d be getting ready for school. Thinking about everything made my head hazy. I laid down beside Mommy. My head hurts. My tummy hearts. I don’t feel hungry now. I feel pain in my body.
There were some funny sounds, blue and red light outside our house. Few men wearing black clothes and a lady broke the door and entered. No. No. No. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. Don’t take me away from my mommy. I want to stay with my Mommy. No. Stay away from me lady. I tried to scratch her face with my nail. I tried to push her away, pull her hair. I shouted. I screamed. I cried, but she took me away from my mommy and held me in her embrace.
I talked very quickly, to tell her that mommy is sleeping. She’s just sick and she’d get better as she always does. But one of the two men, wearing the same dress as the lady, drenched with the rain outside, covered mommy’s face with my blankie. Their wet shoes soaked the red rug. Suddenly my head burst with pain that I never felt before. That same red thing smelled so bad. I gasped for breath looking at the red oil spilled on the rug. It was all over my clothes too. I started to explain the lady that I didn’t stain my clothes, I was just cleaning my mommy’s head. I kept pointing at the red thing. I tried to tell her that it’s a hair oil. My mommy loves her long hair. The dripping of the red thing became louder and louder with each word I tried to speak out of my mouth as quickly as possible, to make them go away. I didn’t like those two men that were standing over my mommy until I couldn’t hear my own voice.
I tried to speak loud but the noise of the red thing was louder than the blue light outside in the sky. I don’t know why didn’t they hear it? The noise kept on increasing, piercing my ears. It grew louder and louder and louder whilst the men were standing over my mommy, busy in talking to each other as though they couldn’t hear anything. Was it possible that they didn’t hear anything? Louder! Louder! Louder! The rug was turned into a black color with the dirty shoes of the two guys, and one of them taking pictures of my mommy. She liked it very much when someone take pictures of her. She used to take her pictures from her phone. I insisted her many times to take my picture too but she never did. She barely let me look into the mirror for no longer than a glance, while she didn’t take away her eyes from the mirror when she saw herself. When she looked into my eyes, she could never look away. My eyes always remind her of my father. I wish I could have seen his eyes too. My mommy was very pretty.
I couldn’t understand that why didn’t they listen to the dripping noise of that thing falling in the dark black little pond of the rug. I was shouting but still I couldn’t hear my voice, my throat hurts but my voice was soundless, just like my mommy used to turn down the volume of cartoons on the television screen, whenever I sat on the couch watching cartoons after I came home from school. I never heard the cartoons different voices, even my nanny never let me turn the volume up. I soon came to know that my mommy has taken out the speaker, that gives sounds of cartoons. The cartoons were very funny. Now, the cartoon no longer talks to me, they do not laugh with me, they are angry at me. I and mommy used to watch them together on the couch with me sitting in her lap. She always smelled so nice. She never let me had her perfume but its fragrance could always be smelled throughout our house. She had small bells around her ankles that reverberates whenever she danced. She danced very exquisitely. She says that she learned it from my father. She’s better than all the other mommies. Mommy is the best dancer in the world.
The lady caught me in her arms and pricked me with something sharp on my arm. I felt dizzy and I fell on the floor. The lady was flashing light in my eyes. I could barely open my eyes. It was so foggy. Maybe because there were so many red and blue light coming in the room from the window.